Lawyer Jokes
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How is a judge like an English teacher? They both hand out long sentences.
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If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?
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What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving of a cliff? A shame. What do you call an empty seat? A damn shame.
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What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.
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Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.
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There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
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What clothes do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it!
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It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "Right of Way" with "Immortality."
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RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom.
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"How did you get into counterfeiting?" Criminal: I answered an ad that said "Make money at home."
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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.
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A robber walks into a bakery, and pulls out a gun. "Give me the dough!"
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I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school... But there weren't enough members.
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Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates
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Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation? At the Howliday Inn!
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I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?
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The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.
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You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.
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What does a bee say before it stings you? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!
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Two satellites decide to get married. The wedding wasn't "all that," but the reception was great!
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"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask?" She says, "He said, Please put down that damn gun..."
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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.
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What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You meet new people every day.
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Which duck will destroy the establishment? None, ducks are not allowed in politics.
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The ATM told me, "Not enough funds in account," when I tried to withdraw. This ATM needs a bigger account.
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What's the difference between life and wife's rant? Life eventually ends.
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A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down.
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