Food Jokes
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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."
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My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."
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A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
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What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving of a cliff? A shame. What do you call an empty seat? A damn shame.
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If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?
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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
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I went to the hairdresser and she asked how I'd like my hair cut. In silence.
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New science shows that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
Jewelery
Top Games
Free app/game: Toilet Cat Paper Run
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It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "Right of Way" with "Immortality."
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In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.
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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.
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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
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Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.
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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
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They say that money can't buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing...
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Why did the creepy hipster get arrested? Because he was following people before Instagram.
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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could, there wouldn't be much point in me being here!
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
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RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom.
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What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.
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