Jokes of the day:

An opinion without 3.1415926535897932... is just an onion.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.

My dad has the heart of a lion - and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son? If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy!

Teacher: "What is science?" Student: "Me Ma'am!" Teacher: "Ok Bob, what is science?" Student: "Science is our lesson for today."

It's so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster... Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

I wondered why the train was getting bigger... then it hit me

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What's fatter than your mom? Your mom after her next meal.

The Flat Earth Community has supporters all around the globe.

So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates

Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!

Happy Valentines! A little early I know, but l suffer from premature congratulation...

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.

What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple? iPatch

They installed a new machine at my gym today, I managed to do 2 hours on it. They do all sorts. Snickers, Kit-kats, Mars bars, etc.

What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

What did the strawberry say on December 25th? Berry Christmas!

Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to say something.

What do you call a bicycle with no seat? A real pain in the ass.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word

Want to read a joke about pizza? Never-mind, it's too cheesy!

I'm absolutely incredible in bed. In fact, yesterday I slept 15 hours.

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Why do hurricanes travel so fast? Because if they travelled slowly we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could, there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

I threw a boomerang a few years ago I now live in constant fear

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

Who is the funniest tennis player? Djokovic

The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.

What does a British guy say when he beats an Eastern European at chess? Czechmate

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8

You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes-minded.

Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.

I think it's pretty cool Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it!

Where do women have the most curly hair? In Africa...

If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on.

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I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid.

Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.

Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas? They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.

John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind.

Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!