Jokes of the day:

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, "Do you think you'll be next?" We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting injected with tetanus.

Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in North Korea? Because the Party wants to make every asshole Red.

Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it!

A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"

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Shoes
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Free app/game: Super Hero Cat Run

You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.

You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas? They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.

What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.

What never comes but always leaves? My dates.

Did you hear about the Chinese Chef who broke out of jail? Apparently he went out for a wok and never came back.

Who's this Rorschach dude? And why is he so good at drawing pictures of my mom beating me

Tall people don't need to be inspirational Everyone already looks up to them.

What was Dr Frankenstein's second job? He was a body-builder.

Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

What's drier than toast without butter? My sense of humor.

What's the capital of Massachusetts? M

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Shoes
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Free app/game: Talking Donald Donkey

A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor. She says, "Doctor, my condition has worsened. Is there anything I can take?"

I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.

Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

What do you want your husbands gravestone to say? Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."

Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better. "My dad's a fireman" said Billy. "My dad's a marine!" said Johnny. "My dad's invisible." said Brian.

Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life.

Who's killed more natives than General Custer? Jack Daniels

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open!

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Interesting products
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Free app/game: Car Race Extreme

What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

What happened to your three week diet? I finished it in three days!

What do you call a bee with a toe? "Toby"

The Flat Earth Community has supporters all around the globe.

What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality.

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could, there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

I am so lonely. The only ex I have is in my chromosome XY...

What do you tell a cow blocking a road? Mooove

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it!

Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus... Bus conductor: "The older one should sit here". Both looked at each other and the seat remained empty...

What is Tiger Woods favorite course? The intercourse.

What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone? Shelfies.

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.

Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

Did you hear about the Chicken who went for his job interview? He got roasted!

Always Pay Attention! After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left. Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"

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Books
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Free app/game: Talking Donald Donkey

What kind of bees eat brains? Zombees

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!

How do you make a dog go "meow"? Take it out of the freezer and run it through a bandsaw.

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Beauty
Free fun games
Free app/game: Bob the funny Pinball

Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.

My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!