Jokes of the day:

Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates

Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!

How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you keep a stash of roofies on you at all times.

Why do businessmen carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas can't walk.

The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots.

A man walks into a bar... ...and loses the international limbo championship.

What's the capital of Massachusetts? M

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I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you... Why should only I suffer!

Why are old balloons cheaper than new balloons? Because of inflation

What do an elephant and an apricot have in common? They're both grey - well except for the apricot.

Life is like a box of chocolates... the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts!

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Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."

Want to read a joke about pizza? Never-mind, it's too cheesy!

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus... Bus conductor: "The older one should sit here". Both looked at each other and the seat remained empty...

What goes cackle cackle boom? A witch in a minefield.

Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating. I tend to see the wurst in people.

The more complex the handshake, the less complex the individual.

Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind.

Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.

Why are there no penguins in Britain? They're scared of Wales.

What's a cat's favorite color? Purrple.

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!

Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.

It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "Right of Way" with "Immortality."

Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

A helicopter crashed on a graveyard. Reports says over 500 dead...

What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99

It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside...

Teacher: "What is science?" Student: "Me Ma'am!" Teacher: "Ok Bob, what is science?" Student: "Science is our lesson for today."

Why don't girls have beards? It's in their jeans...

Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

How is a judge like an English teacher? They both hand out long sentences.

What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.

Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.

Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple? iPatch

If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business!

I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school... But there weren't enough members.

What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

There are 10 types of people in the world! Those that can count and those that can't.

Doctor doctor people keep telling me I'm ugly! Lay on the couch face down.

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