Jokes of the day:

I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?

Did you hear about the nation's best farmer? He's out standing in his field.

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

Why do women like men with moustaches? Because they immediately see something about you they can change.

The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well. I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.

If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

Why married guys are fat: A single guy opens the fridge, sees nothing interesting there - he goes to bed. A married guy goes in the bedroom, sees nothing interesting there - he goes to the fridge.

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday. How does he do it? The horses name is Friday.

Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?

What do you call a swiss priest? A Holy Cheese!

Tall people don't need to be inspirational Everyone already looks up to them.

What do you call a fat female assassin? A killer whale.

I once fell in love with an English Teacher.... ...I wrote her a love letter and she corrected it.

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Free app/game: Warp My Talking Face

What was Dr Frankenstein's second job? He was a body-builder.

What has a mouth but no teeth? A river.

A man goes to the doctor, and says "I broke my arm in three places." And the doctor says, "Well then don't go to those places anymore."

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it..

How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

My dad has the heart of a lion - and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Somebody asks: "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.

What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.

Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.

It's so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?

I always thought air was free. Until I bought a bag of chips...

How can you open a banana? With a monkey!

What do you call a bee with a toe? "Toby"

If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business!

Want to read a joke about pizza? Never-mind, it's too cheesy!

What do dogs have that no other animal has? Puppy dogs!

A new study has proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.

What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open!

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Free app/game: Fart Soundboard

What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?

A robber walks into a bakery, and pulls out a gun. "Give me the dough!"

How did I escape Iraq? Iran

Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf? In case you get a hole in one!

How do you think the unthinkable? Run your ship into an iceberg...

What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the latest iPhone started? Looking for Jobs.

My favorite quote: "Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered." anonymous

Do you know what my grandmother would be doing today if she was alive? Scratching at her coffin.

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Free app/game: Warp My Talking Face

Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone? Shelfies.

Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.

What do I know about dwarves? Very little.

Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.