Jokes of the day:

German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.

Which duck will destroy the establishment? None, ducks are not allowed in politics.

Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

What has a mouth but no teeth? A river.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.

What starts with "E" and has only one letter in it? Envelope!

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they're animals.

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Beauty
Free fun games
Free app/game: Fun Photo Booth

Why married guys are fat: A single guy opens the fridge, sees nothing interesting there - he goes to bed. A married guy goes in the bedroom, sees nothing interesting there - he goes to the fridge.

I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..

Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking "Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"

How do you call a prison inmate? With a cell phone.

Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

What's the most common blood type among drummers? Heroin.

At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?" "Yes, but I come here instead."

I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...

My phone got arrested today... It was charged with battery.

What's fatter than your mom? Your mom after her next meal.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tyred..

The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

What do you get the man who has everything? Antibiotics

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life.

Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.

What do you call two women standing side by side? Four abreast!

If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on.

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Toys
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Free app/game: Warp My Talking Face

An opinion without 3.1415926535897932... is just an onion.

What do you call a bee with a toe? "Toby"

So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? "Dam."

If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!

I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.

What's drier than toast without butter? My sense of humor.

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can't get out of the bathtub.

If at first you don't succeed... then skydiving is NOT for you.

What many don't know, "Riverdance" was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.

My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She is not coming back.

Why did the golfer wear two pants? He got a hole in one

Customer: "Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!" Waiter: "Don't worry Sir it's not that hot!"

Did you hear about the Chinese Chef who broke out of jail? Apparently he went out for a wok and never came back.

If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.

How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ? You can feel his presents ...

My favorite element is Helium. I can't speak highly enough of it.

Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting injected with tetanus.

What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire? A scarfish

Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.