Jokes of the day:

I don't pretend to be anything I'm not.. Except for sober - I've pretended to be sober a few times

I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid.

Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stomp out burning ducks.

I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.

What bus crossed the Atlantic Ocean? Columbus

Who's killed more natives than General Custer? Jack Daniels

What does a Bird and a fridge have in common? They can both fly except the fridge.

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

I hate people that drink in order to have fun. Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice? A goddamn riceist

A new study has proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.

Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?

Where do sick boats go? to the dock!

What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper

Want to hear a cheesy joke? I will only tell it if I have your Parmesan...

My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him Dav.

Why did the golfer wear two pants? He got a hole in one

My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

Why are old balloons cheaper than new balloons? Because of inflation

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

What should you never do in front of an alcoholic? Whine.

What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family.

Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!

How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you keep a stash of roofies on you at all times.

My favorite Yoga pose is the upward facing couch potato.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!

Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

Life is like a box of chocolates... the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts!

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Jewelery
Free fun games
Free app/game: Cat Run

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

Set a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.

What does a British guy say when he beats an Eastern European at chess? Czechmate

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants?" "Over there by mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they're animals.

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Interesting products
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Free app/game: Monster Truck Racing

What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it? A carroted artery.

What has 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog.

Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!

"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask?" She says, "He said, Please put down that damn gun..."

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Shoes
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Free app/game: Warp My Talking Face

If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.

What is a Catholic choir boy's favorite song? "Can't Touch This"

Dad: what did you learn at school today, son? Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

Her: Give me a chat up line? Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper? Her: *laughs* Because I'm so captivating? Me: No, you smell like an animal.

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Interesting products
Free fun games
Free app/game: Cat Run

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

The cemetery down the street seems like it's a pretty exclusive club. People are dying to get in...