Jokes of the day:

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam I'd have $ 6.30 now

Last night I walked into a bar - it still hurts...

I am so lonely. The only ex I have is in my chromosome XY...

My favorite Yoga pose is the upward facing couch potato.

Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!

Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She is not coming back.

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You meet new people every day.

Why did the sick eagle get deported? Because he was an illeagle.

I like my coffee like I like my woman. Cold and bitter.

What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality.

Tried to pick up a woman at a cremation once. Got my fingers burnt.

Did you hear about the Chinese Chef who broke out of jail? Apparently he went out for a wok and never came back.

What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird ? A feather boa!

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

My lighter has two settings: 1: Spark, spark, spark 2: No left eyebrow

Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking "Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"

Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one.

Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster. Stupid geese.

I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

What do Greek soccer players wear? Soccer tee's

How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.

Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

Me: "Mom and Dad, I've decided to live on my own from now on." Parents: "Ok, cool." Me: "Your luggage is outside..."

What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.

I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid.

What planet smells the worst? Poopiter.

Why can't the wive find her asshole? He's on the job.

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Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.

How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male if she answers it's female.

My ex is looking for a job but I don't think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she'll be unemployed for a while.

What's drier than toast without butter? My sense of humor.

Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!

Why do women have legs? To not leave a slime trail.

Why do people hesitate before registering as an organ donor? It takes guts.

How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another!

What is green, red and goes 90 miles per hour? A frog in a blender.

I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?

Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

If you can't do what's right you can always do what's left.

What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.

What's a man in a hurry like to drink? man-go juice!

If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.