Jokes of the day:

It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside...

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!

What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day

What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.

This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.

Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

Treat your guests like family, so they don't stay too long.

What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone? Shelfies.

"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask?" She says, "He said, Please put down that damn gun..."

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Books
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Where do sick boats go? to the dock!

Guys my calendar is really sick... I think its days are numbered.

I lost 40 Pounds in 4 months! I didn't realize the British stock market was so volatile.

I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.

What is not a truck crashing into people? Nice.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

What do you call a witch that goes to the beach? Sandwitch

How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another!

What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees...

I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school... But there weren't enough members.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Define "light bulb".

A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down.

What is a Rastafarian's favorite country? Yemen

How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male if she answers it's female.

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

How did I escape Iraq? Iran

What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.

Why did the chicken cross the road? The get to the other side.

There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.

The Flat Earth Community has supporters all around the globe.

Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes

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Jewelery
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Free app/game: Talking Cat Leo

What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly? A dead bird.

I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

My uncle, as an oncologist - has a great sense of tumor.

Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!

Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8

Why are there so many female archeologists? Because women love digging up the past.

Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking "Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

What has 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog.

A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"

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What clothes do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

If money doesn't buy happiness.. then explain why you have to pay for a divorce.

Which duck will destroy the establishment? None, ducks are not allowed in politics.

What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?

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Beauty
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Free app/game: Monster Truck Racing

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!